And They Call Us Names!

Yesterday I met Dr. Moolamkuzhi Lambodaran Shunmugam Nair. Aah, I can see the smirks…Some chaps must already be holding on to their split sides. I admit, it does sound funny to someone who does not know what it means. Blunders borne off ignorance can be forgiven. That, however, cannot be the case with English (often confused with Christian) names. Ask me which is funnier and behold I give you these to sample.

Mankind has always been fascinated by colours. Green leaves, Black night, Brown bark, White milk etc. All great except for say, “How do you want your coffee Mr. Black”…umm…“Damn right I want it Black!” or “Are you feeling jealous Mr. Green?” or “The defendant Mr. White has been charged with racial discrimination.” Dude, his very name is racial!

Somehow, people love to name themselves after their private parts. I mean, imagine being called Dick! How funny is that? “Dick, get back into the house”. “Is our Dick home as yet?”, “My Dick is at the baseball game!” Its humiliating man. If you thought that was bad, imagine the whole world comment, “There goes Bush and his wife Laura!” (Indian brothers…please read it with the tonal effect). I was just going through some research papers written by a certain Prof. Kunt. Seriously, I would pay to sit in his class and listen to his students call him “Excuse me Prof. Kunt, does this oscillation equation hold for a body suspended in vacuum?”

India may have its fair share of Seths, Chowdhurys and Munshis as titles but that is only a handful compared to what the evolved Americans have. Obviously, Mr. Sebastian Smith loves to fashion tools, Messrs Abe Miller and John Baker run a confectionery, Mr. Thomas Taylor stitches and Mr. Edward Walker…um…walks the dogs? No prizes for guessing what Mr. King does! The list is long and the occupations are endless.

What kind of names are Pitt and Cruise? Imagine being the butt of mailing jokes because your Dad was called Letterman or the total agony of a 75 year old senior citizen when the young attendant repeatedly calls him Mr. Young. Then there’s the violent variety also. Mr. Gore would take the first prize in that category.