And They Call Us Names!

Yesterday I met Dr. Moolamkuzhi Lambodaran Shunmugam Nair. Aah, I can see the smirks…Some chaps must already be holding on to their split sides. I admit, it does sound funny to someone who does not know what it means. Blunders borne off ignorance can be forgiven. That, however, cannot be the case with English (often confused with Christian) names. Ask me which is funnier and behold I give you these to sample.

Mankind has always been fascinated by colours. Green leaves, Black night, Brown bark, White milk etc. All great except for say, “How do you want your coffee Mr. Black”…umm…“Damn right I want it Black!” or “Are you feeling jealous Mr. Green?” or “The defendant Mr. White has been charged with racial discrimination.” Dude, his very name is racial!

Somehow, people love to name themselves after their private parts. I mean, imagine being called Dick! How funny is that? “Dick, get back into the house”. “Is our Dick home as yet?”, “My Dick is at the baseball game!” Its humiliating man. If you thought that was bad, imagine the whole world comment, “There goes Bush and his wife Laura!” (Indian brothers…please read it with the tonal effect). I was just going through some research papers written by a certain Prof. Kunt. Seriously, I would pay to sit in his class and listen to his students call him “Excuse me Prof. Kunt, does this oscillation equation hold for a body suspended in vacuum?”

India may have its fair share of Seths, Chowdhurys and Munshis as titles but that is only a handful compared to what the evolved Americans have. Obviously, Mr. Sebastian Smith loves to fashion tools, Messrs Abe Miller and John Baker run a confectionery, Mr. Thomas Taylor stitches and Mr. Edward Walker…um…walks the dogs? No prizes for guessing what Mr. King does! The list is long and the occupations are endless.

What kind of names are Pitt and Cruise? Imagine being the butt of mailing jokes because your Dad was called Letterman or the total agony of a 75 year old senior citizen when the young attendant repeatedly calls him Mr. Young. Then there’s the violent variety also. Mr. Gore would take the first prize in that category.

Prosecution of The Condom

* Caution...Satirical Adult content ahead. Please read at your own risk!


Okay firstly...what are condoms? Like an educated friend of mine once put it, it’s a helmet you put on to touch third base safely. Fantastic. So it’s like a helmet eh? Which is the safest helmet? The one that has a strap that buckles it up…right? Does your favourite condom have a strap? Further, the best helmet would have about a 5.5 mm polycarbonate retractable visor. This is to protect both eyes. Imagine, your condom does not have a visor and it has to protect the ONE eye!

Next, what is your regular condom made of? The material does matter dudes. In case we are still discussing about latex condoms (rubber), it’s the same material that tyres are made of. JK puts their tyres through the following tests: 75 degrees Centigrade temperature, 2.5 bar of pressure and the worst roads of the country. What test do you think your average condom is put under? Let’s face it; anything that can be blown into a balloon for a birthday party cannot be used to stop an eight pound baby. Can it? Also, the pressure, heat and rugged contours of your condom’s intended destination are far worse than those on Elgin road in Calcutta. By the way, if you are trying khadi condoms, you’d better start thinking of a name for your yet unborn child.

Did someone mention ribbed or dotted or banded? Boy…the makers really lack imagination. Any of you guys have taken biology lessons in school? You guys heard of a certain...ahem... arrest? Self explanatory and VERY, VERY embarrassing. Imagine a pipe with bands or ribs being put into a socket whose width is just as unpredictable as the depth increases. Yup…you get a pretty fair chance of getting arrested…

Flavoured maal eh? Is it like Bertie Bott’s Every Flavoured Beans (Harry Potter)? The flavours…banana flavoured protection (mosquitoes are highly attracted to bananas)…apple flavoured, cherry flavoured…the list goes on. How many of you have passed up a fruit salad? If you are not prepared to pass up your fruit salad, what makes you so confident that your girlfriend will? Imagine the scene- you’ve put the damn implement on crunch… Safe?

Condoms cannot help a certain percentage of people at all. The condom needs to put into its place at first. Many chaps are so overwhelmed that it’s all over even before the packet is opened…I mean…high tide! What in hell can a condom be used for in such a situation except as a balloon for the first child’s birthday party?


The above argument was entirely satirical and is not meant for meaningful consumption. All you guys should use whatever you get…I mean, whatever rubber you get. Play safe…

A condom a day keeps little engineers at bay!